From the Penguin Classics: Cicero - On Living and Dying Well
Translated, introduced and with notes by Thomas Habinek
The whole discussion concerns friendship. In reading it, you will come to know yourself. [gnothi seauton]
People say your/Laelius' wisdom consists in your belief that your entire well-being is in your own power and that the circumstances of human life matter less than virtue.
L: I don't think there is any contingency that entitles a responsible person to take a holiday from duty.
Still I am not without relief for I console myself with the realization that I am not making the mistake others do when heartbroken at the death of a friend. I know that nothing bad had happened to Scipio; it has happened to me I it had happened at all. And to be heart-broken by one's own loss is a mark not of a friend but of a self-lover.
In short, his [Scipio's] life was unsurpassed in fortune or in fame, and the swiftness of his death carried off any awareness of dying...
The last topic of conversation then was the immortality of the soul...
I find such joy in the recollection of our friendship that my life seems blessed for having been spent with Scipio. He and I were linked by our shared concern for public an private matters ...in full agreement in our priorities, commitments, and opinions--which is the essence of friendship.
I take pleasure in hoping that the memory of our friendship will last forever, even more so when I consider that our of all generations, scarcely three or four pairs of friends are remembered by name. I let myself hope that among them posterity will count the friendship of Scipio and Laelius.
[L]: I can only urge you to rank friendship above all other human concerns. There is nothing so well suited mot our nature, nothing so helpful in good times or in bad.
Still here is my first proposing:
-there can be no friendship except among people who are good.
[good meaning] People whose life an conduct display reliability, integrity, fairness, and generosity, who avoid greed, sensuality and reckless conduct, and do so consistently...; let's agree that they deserve their reputation as good men, for they follow nature
As the best guide of life, as much as humanly possible.
Friendship has an advantage over proximity in that good will can be removed from proximity, but not from friendship. Take away good will and and the very idea of friendship is gone too; not so with mere physical closeness.
For friendship is nothing other than agreement about divine and human affairs, accompanied by good will and affection.
...the virtue they have in mind gives rise to friendship and includes it, and friendship does not exist in the absence of virtue.
[friendship] provides advantages...In the first place, how can life be "fully alive', as Ennius says without the serenity provided by the mutual good will of a friend?What is sweeter than to have someone you can freely discuss everything with as you would with yourself?
true and perfected friendship ...makes prosperity more splendid and adversity more bearable through sharing and exchange. [It] shines the light of hope onto the future and keeps the spirit from becoming weak or stumbling. Looking at a true friend is like seeing an image of yourself.
[L]: do we desire friendship because we are weak and helpless? That is, do we participate in the give and take of benefits in order to receive and then return precisely what we are least capable of providing for ourselves? Or is this just an accidental feature of friendship, which has a natural basis more ancient and more beautiful. Isn't love (from which out word friendship is derived) the real force behind the sharing of goodwill?...in real friendship there is nothing false and simulated, only what is true and freely chosen. [#volition]
So it seems that friendship arises from nature rather than from need, from the inclination of the soul accompanied by a certain sentiment of love, rather than from a calculation of a relationship's potential usefulness.
...the more confident you are, the greater your own virtue and good sense, the less needy and more self-reliant you are, the greater success you'll have in making and keeping friends. ...Companionship strengthens goodwill.
...true friendships are eternal. There you have the origin of friendship.
Scipio used to say, that is takes both wisdom and luck to avoid [the bad fates the may befall a friendship]
Let's just see how far affection should extend in friendship.
Doing wrong for the sake of a friend never justifies that wrong. Belief in a friend's virtue sustains friendship. It's hard for the friendship to continue once virtue is gone.
...the following law of friendship: don't ask for anything shameful, and don't do anything shameful if asked.
the first and sacred law of friendship: seek only good from friends, do only good for the sake of friends-- and don't wait to be asked! Be always attentive! Banish hesitation! Be ready to give advice freely! Take seriously the good advice of friends. Be ready to offer it openly, even forcefully, if the occasion demands--and also be ready to follow when it's been offered.
...it's a characteristic of a well ordered soul to rejoice in what's good and be hurt by its opposite.
For what could be so absurd as to take pleasure in various inanimate entities, such as honor, glory, a building, clothing or bodily improvement, but not take pleasure in a living being endowed with virtue, who is capable of love, and as we might say "counter-love". ...nothing is more enjoyable than the exchange of kindness or the sharing of interests and obligations.
Good will us inevitable between good men: nature has established this as the source of friendship. But goodness is relevant to all men. Virtue isn't somehow inhuman, withdrawn and arrogant, but instead guards over entire populations and looks out for their well-being.
Friendship doesn't result from advantage, but advantage does result from friendship.
But friendship is a sure and stable possession, so much do that If everything else--the gifts of fortune for example-- remains, a life that isn't shared with friends can't be very pleasing.
Consider next the limits and boundaries of friendship. Three [to be disputed] recommendations:
- We should treat a friend as we treat ourselves
- Our good will towards friends should match and correspond to their good will towards us
- Our friends should value us as much as we value ourselves.
[Not #2] - True friendship is spendthrift; it doesn't worry about giving more than it receives; it isn't afraid to be wasteful, to let things fall to the wayside, to contribute more than its share to the friendship.
[not #3-the most destructive] - it's the friends job not to feel the same way, bit to make an effort to lift the other person's languishing spirit and lead him to a better, more hopeful way of thinking.
Therefore we must find some other way to circumscribe friendship.
...the extent of friendship should be as follows: as long as character of both friends is essentially blameless, they should share without exception all affairs, opinions and feelings. And if we happen to be called upon to support our friends inappropriate choices, at least when civil status or reputation are at stake, we must be willing to stray from the straight and narrow, as long as no great disgrace is involved...we shouldn't underestimate the importance of reputation, or forget that the good will of fellow citizens is an important tool for getting things done, even if it would be shameful to acquire it they cajoling and flattery. Virtue[excellence] from which respect follows, is not to be underestimated.
[in choosing friends] ...choose those who are steady, dependable and consistent--a small group, difficult to assess except through experience. An such experience only occurs in the course of friendship--which means, in effect, that friendship outpaces judgement and negates the value of experience.
"Trouble reveals the trustworthy friend"-Ennius
We should value as a rare type of Human being, indeed virtually a god, any man who remains reliable, consistent, and steady in [the ups and downs of life]
There can be no friendship except among good people. A good man, whom we can also call a wise man, holds to these two principles in friendship: never lie or deceive; and always reject charges brought against a friend by someone else, not even entertaining the suspicion that the friend has done wrong.
we gain greatest benefit from our talent or virtue or other advantage when we bestow it on someone near and dear.
Only a dis-likable sort of person holds his services against someone. It's up to the recipient to remember, and
not up to the doer to keep reminding.
You should give as follows to each friend: first, as much as you can provide; second, as much as the one you love can
assist and handle.
In general, we should commit to a friendship after character and lifestyle are settled and confirmed.
We can rightly offer yet another guideline for friendship: not even intense affection should be used to keep a friend
from pursuing significant opportunity...
In every matter you must consider what is right for you to ask of a friend --and what you will permit him to ask of you
People who deserve friendship are people who show reason to be loved. They are a rare breed, but then everything
remarkable is rare;...Most people don't see the good in a relationship unless it is profitable,...as a result they miss out on beautiful
and natural friendship that is sought in and for itself...For each person loves himself, not in order to make some
profit of his affection, but because he is dear to himself on his own. Unless the same feeling is transferred to
friendship, we will never find a true friend. For a friend is, in effect, another self.
[to be a candidate for friendship] ...first to be a good man, then to look for another like yourself...when they have been united
in good will they will take control of the very desires that enslave everybody else, they will rejoice in fairness and justice, they will
always be on the lookout for each other, they will never demand anything wrong or dishonorable. They will cherish, love and even
revere each other. Indeed, to take away reverence from friendship is to remove its most precious jewel.
Nature created friendship as an aide to virtue, not a comrade in vice, because virtue cannot achieve its highest goals in isolation, but
only when joined and linked with that of another. A relationship of this sort, in the past, present or future, is the best company on the
journey to the greatest good.
The risks of friendship] One possible cause of offence must be dismissed if trust and benefit are to remain in a friendship-- friends must often give advice and criticism, which, arising as they do from feelings of good will, must also be accepted in a spirit of friendship.
[when confronted with counsel or reprimand] regret the error, be happy for the advice. Giving and taking criticism is the mark of a true friendship--giving cheerfully, not harshly, and accepting patiently, not reluctantly.
Hypocrisy is a vice under any circumstance because it blurs our capacity to assess what's real. It's especially at odds with friendship as it destroys truth, with which friendship is meaningless. For the power of friendship derives from the fact that several souls become, in effect, one.
It's virtue, virtue above all,...that creates and preserves friendships. Virtue is the source of compatibility, reliability and consistency. When virtue advances, extending its torch and sees and recognizes itself in someone else, it moves in that direction and receives in exchange what it finds in the other. From this encounter either love or friendship (both words come from "love" blazes forth. But to love means nothing other than to cherish the one you love without pursuing your needs or your advantage.
Yet because all human affairs are frail and fleeting, we need to be always on the lookout for people to love and be loved by. If life is deprived of affection and good will, all pleasure vanishes too. Yes, Scipio was snatched away unexpectedly. But for me he lives on, and will live forever. His virtue is what I loved and it has not been extinguished.
